Building a Successful Relationship



Cultivate these six habits and your gay relationship should stand the test of time.

Invest

The constant demands of family, friends and work often make us put our relationship last. Successful gay couples set aside time to spend together. At one end of the scale, they reserve one evening a week. At the other, there is 15 minutes an evening to chat about the events of the day.

Through small talk, they keep up to date with how their gay partner feels and important issues emerge naturally. This is much better than one half announcing, 'We need to talk, which immediately puts the other person on the defensive.

Exercise: Add up the amount of time a day you spend really communicating with your gay partner. If it is less than 10 minutes, try to build some time into your routine.
In a nutshell:You only get out as much as you put in.

Respect each other

Respect is the greatest gift you can give your gay partner. All partnerships go through phases where love is questioned, but if you continue to respect each other, your gay relationship will remain unscathed.

In good relationships we link up with someone with similar intelligence, talent and looks. So, in respecting our partner, we are also respecting ourselves. The most common fault line occurs when one partner believes they are more in touch with their feelings than the other party. They find it is easier to blame their partner when things go wrong, than to analyse their own behaviour.

Exercise: Make a list of everything you respect about your gay partner. Keep it somewhere safe and at crisis points use it to remember their good qualities. If respect is still a problem, seek marital counselling.
In a nutshell: Look for the similarities between you rather than the differences.

Be vulnerable

We all like to think of ourselves as open and honest. But the real test comes when we feel hurt, because the natural temptation is to hide our vulnerability behind a protective facade of anger. However, successful gay couples swallow their fear of rejection and show their pain – this is the ultimate example of good communication.

Exercise: Next time you feel angry or hurt, don't fight back but share your feelings by saying, for example, 'You really upset me when you said …'.Be specific and attribute pain to the behaviour of your partner, not to their personality. This has the added benefit of diffusing a row.
In a nutshell: You can be intimate only if you can show your vulnerability.

Seek to understand before being understood

During a row, it's tempting to use the time your partner is speaking to rehearse your side of the argument. We believe that if only they understood how we felt, they would change. However, successful couples instinctively understand the crucial three steps to solving a problem.

First, you need to explore, and then understand before finally moving to action. By expecting your partner to understand you without seeking to understand their viewpoint too, you are jumping immediately to the action/solution step. When you truly understand each other, the groundwork is laid for compromise.

Exercise: Take as an example a behaviour that irritates you and ask your partner to explain him or herself. Don't judge. Listen and then ask more questions.
In a nutshell: Really understanding each other avoids destructive quarrels.

Synergise

Successful couples take advantage of each other's skills and value them. Problems arise when skills become too polarised, and one person is made totally responsible for a specific task, such as saving money. You should try and find balance.

Exercise: Try swapping some of your tasks, such as paying bills, for a week or so. This will help you appreciate each other more.
In a nutshell: Two heads are always better than one.

Put first things first

In a detective story, there are always red herrings that stop us getting to the truth. Many couples argue about small issues rather than facing difficult ones. The underlying issues are almost always set up in our childhood.
Also, when we feel powerless, such as with a problem at work, it's easier to concentrate on our partner's shortcomings, something we have at least the illusion of changing, rather than to face uncomfortable home truths.

Exercise: Try to make connections back to how your parents treated you. Are you restaging old struggles?
In a nutshell: Don't sweat the small stuff.